


Cruella de Vil, Worlds Greatest Philanthropist

by Heroine_Lestrange



Series: Worlds Greatest [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:55:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22786789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heroine_Lestrange/pseuds/Heroine_Lestrange
Summary: All villains are required to participate in charity work as part of their rehabilitation, Cruella however has her own interpretation of helping. Much to the dismay of Regina, and pretty much everyone else.
Series: Worlds Greatest [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1638157
Kudos: 17





	Cruella de Vil, Worlds Greatest Philanthropist

The mayor sat at her desk flicking through the papers before her, ignoring the irritated huffs coming from the opposite side of the table.

“You are required to complete a minimum of 100 hours of philanthropic work in order to move forward with your rehabilitation,” Regina read, not sparing a glance at the other woman in the room.

“I don’t understand,” Cruella retorted, clad in head to toe fur with her ever present drink in hand while glaring at the brunette across from her.

“It means charity work,” Regina replied dryly.

“No, I understand the concept,” Cruella snapped, “but I do not however understand why that word is being associated with me.”

“All villains are doing this in a show of good faith, in order to prove that they have learnt from their past errors,” Regina explained with a sigh. So far she's had this exact same conversation with at least 6 other villains in the past hour and mental exhaustion was beginning to set in. It was typical of Cruella to make this as difficult as possible, she had expected nothing less.

“I don’t want to,” Cruella said with an exaggerated pout, a pout that had been very effective with all of her husbands and then some.

“Its not up for debate,” Regina rolled her eyes at the other woman’s poor attempts at manipulation.

“I hate you,” Cruella spat angrily, swishing her long coat over Regina’s table causing all her papers to flutter to the ground.

“Really?” Regina sighed, shaking her head at Cruella’s antics.

“What form will this charity take?” Cruella asked, realizing that her plan to anger Regina was not successful.

“Anything you please, as long as it improves either the town or the lives of its citizens,” Regina answered while moving around her desk, collecting the papers that were so meticulously ordered before the black and white hurricane upended it all.

“Fine,” Cruella released a long hard sigh before strutting out of the office, knocking the newly stacked papers off the mayors desk once again as she did so. Eliciting another sigh from Regina.

* * *

Cruella was seated on what appeared to be chair liberated from the outside of Granny’s when Regina spotted her. The woman seemed to have made herself at home with the chair and a small side table that looked vaguely familiar, Regina was sure that it belonged to Gold. Most worryingly however was the chest that sat on top of the table, it was open and glittering jewels could be seen peeking out.

“Where did all of this come from?” Regina asked when she got close enough to the seated woman, the woman who happened to be in the middle of the street.

“I found it, therefore it is mine. In the wise words of Stalin, 'finders keepers',” Cruella replied smugly, taking a long sip from her drink before stretching out even further into the chair.

“Stalin did not say that,” Regina shook her head, rubbing her temples to prevent the headache she knew would be coming as a result of dealing with Cruella.

“Prove it.”

“Here small child, have a shiny diamond from aunt Cruella,” Cruella said in a sickly sweet voice, giving a large emarald to a passing child as she did so. The child seem to be frozen in terror but took the stone before Cruella got impatient, scuttling away in the opposite direction after a mumbled thank you.

“This is not charity!” Regina snapped, her frustration reaching it’s boiling point.

“Excuse me! So when you were involved with the treehouse sniffing man it was completely acceptable to steal from the rich and give to the poor but now when I do it it's a ‘crime’?” Cruella ranted, her drink sloshing precariously as she stood.

“Steal?” Regina asked, raising her eyebrow dangerously at the other woman’s slip.

“Redistributed!” Cruella retorted.

“CRUELLA! WHERE ARE MY STONES!” Regina heard Maleficent yell in the distance, she turned to see the seething dragon marching down the street. When she turned back to Cruella she saw that the woman was already halfway down the main road, drink in the one hand and chest of jewels in the other as she ran surprisingly fast in her heels.

* * *

“You hit Grumpy with your car!” Emma exclaimed, as she flung herself into the opposite side of the diner booth Cruella was seated at.

“I had to,” Cruella said, showing no remorse.

“Please explain how you ‘had to’ hit him with your car?” Emma asked sarcastically, motioning with her hand for the woman to explain.

“He was killing my buzz darling and I thought that with this whole community service business you're forcing on me, I may as well fix the problem for everyone,” Cruella explained, proud of her work in ridding the town of a pest and ready to be complimented for her initiative.

“You hit him with your car!”

“Yes, we have established that. We have also established that he is bad for town moral. You’re welcome,” Cruella smugly replied.

“You can't just hit people with your car because you don’t like them,” Emma tried to explain, her frustration clear.

“Of course I can, I clearly just did,” Cruella said with a lazy wave of the hand.

“What is wrong with you?” Emma sighed.

“You’re welcome,” Cruella once again repeated before getting up and making her way to the exit.

“Come back here!” Emma called out in attempt to get the woman to turn around.

“No,” was the last thing Emma heard before the woman disappeared, leaving a slumped over Emma in her seat.

* * *

“Did you commit arson on Gold’s store?” David questioned, finally managing to wrangle Cruella into the station in order to question her.

“Mmm,” Cruella hummed in affirmation.

“Why did you try to burn his store down?” David asked, trying his best to keep his voice low and serious.

“Oh i didn’t try, I very much succeeded in burning it to the ground,” Cruella happily corrected.

“That illegal….and evil,” David sputtered out, not expecting the ease to which the woman admitted her crime.

“Yes but also hilarious. He cried, did you see him crying while cradling that burnt singing fish? Priceless!” Cruella said, chuckling at the memory of the imps face and the fish.

“Why would you do that?” David asked, disbelief coloring his words.

“Philanthropy of course darling,” Cruella said with the flick of her hair.

“How?”

“I have it on good authority that Gold doesn't pay taxes,” Cruella mock whispered.

“That explains literally nothing Cruella!” David could no longer keep up with the conversation, it was honestly all to confusing for him.

“Says you.”

“Says anyone who is not certifiably insane!”

“I'm just doing what I was told,” Cruella defended, holding her hands up in mock surrender as she did so.

“I hate you,” David sighed, he was not a drinker but this experience was making him wish he was one.

“That seems like a personal problem darling,” Cruella sassed, before gathering her coat to take her leave.

“You cant leave,” David protested weakly.

“Watch me.”

* * *

“Its been a week and there have been 4 cases of burglary, 17 assault charges, 1 case of arson, 23 driving violations and a kidnapping,” Regina sighed heavily as she read the sheriffs report before her.

“Who did I kidnap?” Cruella asked in confusion.

“Henry!” Emma exclaimed from her position seated on top of the mayors desk.

“Oh no that was just a misunderstanding. I was attempting to steal the mayors car and I didn’t realize the child was in the back,” Cruella dismissed the accusation, shrugging at the twin glares she received.

“And grand theft auto joins the list,” Emma said, adding it to the already long list.

“Maybe this philanthropy idea was a bit ambitious,” Regina sighed, “Cruella, we no longer require you to fulfil the required 100 hours.”

“But why? I've been doing so much good around this hovel, this could be my calling,” Cruella said thoughtfully, contemplating a future in charitable deeds.

“Please just stop, never ever help again!” Emma begged.

“Well if this is the type of gratitude I get for helping then you can forget it,” Cruella huffed before storming from the room.

“You think she did this on purpose?,” Regina asked the blonde.

“I have no idea, honestly I hope for our sake she did because otherwise we’re screwed,” Emma answered with the shake of her head and a long sigh. She definitely needed a vacation after this week.

* * *


End file.
